Today I got to play the music for my friend's son's funeral. It was the hardest thing and most rewarding thing I have ever done. I heard about the death Friday night and immediately called Catherine and started crying. Saturday and Sunday was off and on crying. I thought I had a hold of myself on Monday, then Tuesday and Wednesday there were no tears. I thought to myself that I would hold up during the funeral. But, as soon as I saw Jeanette, I knew I was going to lose it again. My grief for their family, for the surreal feeling of the experience, and for the heartache I know will follow was too much for me. I had to pray very hard for Heavenly Father to please help me to not cry so I could play the organ. Miraculously, whenever I played the organ, the tears did not flow. But, every time I stopped, they tears came. I still have a lump in my throat as I write this.
I wanted to write a message to Jeanette. She probably does not know how much she means to me. My last best friend was back in Elementary School, Kristen Saunders. We did everything together and I loved her very much. When she moved away, I was devastated. I never really had any other close girlfriends after that. Even into my adult years, I shied away from gaining a true girlfriend. I was afraid that if I got to know and love someone, one of us would move away. Even after I moved into this ward, it took me a long time to start talking to someone and feeling close to someone. It wasn't until I started the exercise group in the morning that I started really talking to Jeanette and getting to know someone. I loved and looked forward to our hour in the morning to exercise and just talk. I talked to her about everything. Things I wouldn't normally just tell anyone. I know I am not her best friend and that I am not a very good friend. But, she helped me open up and love again. I now have several friends in the ward and I know it is because I was able to open up and talk to her and be myself. Jeanette, I love you and want you to know you are an inspiration to me. I hope I can learn to be a better friend by knowing you and that you can lean on me during these tough times.
